Back to school
Photo by CDC on Unsplash
In today’s episode we’re talking about heading back to school.
During this episode we’ll discuss:
Catching up on our summer
Our back to school traditions
Issues our kids have had with back to school and how we’ve handled them
How Jim prepared his girls to start at a new school
Our concerns going back to school this year
Tips from Stanford Health on how to help your child adjust to a new school year, and any anxiety parents might have
If you like what you heard, please consider subscribing, writing a review, and sharing the podcast on social media.
Resources:
Transcript
[music]
Dave: In today's episode, we're talking about a return to school. Everyone welcome to the Papa est Fatigué podcast, the podcast for dads by dads. My family is gearing up to head back to school and Jim's already started. We thought we'd take this time to check in and see how things are going, but first here's my deal, I'm Dave, I have an eight-year-old daughter and a five-year-old son.
Jim: I'm Jim. I've got two daughters, five and eight.
Dave: Jim, let's kick this off and just maybe talk a little bit about how the Summer went. If you had any travel or events, any big activities, and I'm particularly curious now that school has started for you, if you had a Summer schedule that the kids had to adjust to when they went back to school?
Jim: Schedule and Summertime that was-- I'll get to that in a minute. I was reflecting on this, two years ago, we had the younger one in a day care that was near our house. That was pretty easy and then the older one was going to Summer camps and we had a couple of two-week camps and then one-week camps. The Summer was pretty busy. Then obviously, last Summer meaning two Summers ago, with COVID, we just had them in a day care. What's great is that it keeps them entertained and it's somebody else who's giving them activities and attention and things like that.
I get overwhelmed and they get bored and sooner or later they're just going to watch TV. Anyhow, we didn't have Summer camps last year. We had a couple of Summer camps this year but towards about the middle or the end of the Summer, we pulled them from the camps because the school's criteria was that anybody who's exposed to somebody who has COVID-- they're calling it Delta now, anyone who's got Delta has to quarantine for 10 days.
We got to a place where it was dangerous if they had been exposed, then they would've missed the first day in school. We pulled them from camp which meant that I was doing a lot of hanging out with them during the day. It was like my Summers growing up which is, sleep it in, watching some TV, playing outside. It was much more unstructured than it was before. Anyhow, as far as other things that went on in the Summer, we did a camping trip that saw our second year on the road doing the camping trip with the girls and they really enjoyed it. We had some family come up and spend a couple of days with us too.
We got tp visit with family, had some outdoor time. On vacation, I locked up my phone and just really tried to unplug and it was really pleasant. The big event is that we moved this Summer and I've done a really good job in not complaining about it because it's not like anybody likes to move, but it's been a big deal getting everything out of the other place. We still got boxes. Most of it's been pushed into the garage. Not only just the logistical move but psychologically getting to a new community, meeting our neighbors. Everything is new the first time.
It's also a very different community. We are now in the suburbs prior before we were in a very urban environment. It's different. Different culture, different kinds of relationships with shopkeepers, for example, there's a lot more small talk which frankly took me a while to get comfortable with. There's a lot more intimacy. It's a very strange thing. Anyway, that's most of what we did this Summer. Camping, moving, and then just dull dead time because they weren't in camps.
Dave: Which is pretty substantial. On our end, my in-laws were in town for a few weeks, maybe six weeks. They did travel. They were here for a little while, then they traveled, then they came back. They're in and out. During that time we did go on some outdoor activities. We spent a few days a bit further North then-- We did that. We actually have a camping trip coming up just for the weekend. Actually, it's for a night coming up in a couple of weeks. I had this in my head when we were breaking for Summer, like, yes, we are going to have a little bit of organization. We'll do some math work and we'll do some projects.
[laughter]
Yes, that's exactly what happened. I don't even think it lasted a day. We had a couple of [unintelligible 00:04:25] some work. There's just not the time to sit down and be like, all right, let's focus on this activity. That didn't even make it through a day, but I will say that I did keep to a fairly normal bedtime routine.
When the in-laws were in town, there was some stretching of that because her cousin is, I think he's 12 or 13. They come from Asia. They don't get to see each other that often. I'm like, all right, you can go to sleep at 9:00, 9:30. There were maybe a few ten o'clocks in there because I still like to get the bedtime reading and everything, but once they left, it was back to normal. Our standard routine is already start brushing teeth and getting ready for bed about a quarter to eight and then eight o'clock in bed and then a half-hour of reading.
We've managed to stick to that pretty well for the last couple of months. When we go back to school this next week, we should be okay. I have been in my head monitoring their wake-up times to see if I'm going to have to start waking kids up early as we approach the beginning to school here but they're waking up almost when I would normally wake them up for school. I feel pretty good that they're not going to roll on the first day just completely hangover. I feel good about that.
Do you have any back-to-school traditions? As I said at the top, you guys are already back to school. Is there anything special that you guys do for the beginning of school year?
Jim: My wife had been taking the girls for school shopping. That was an event even when we were in lockdown last year. The week or two weeks before, they'd go spend the day at the mall getting new clothes and things like that. That's their tradition. We've got a sign, a little letter board sign we can set up first day at school, first day at first grade, kindergarten et cetera and take some photos.
This is from earlier but we have the dress that my wife wore to her first day of kindergarten. We've got pictures of both of the girls wearing the same dress for their first day at the Pre-K. It's really sweet. In their school pictures, I think we had them in the same dress. That's always a nice one-time tradition where they look surprisingly similar. I guess it's not surprising being the daughters but they look very much alike. It's very sweet.
Dave: Did you have, growing up, that whole first-day picture thing? Because it wasn't a thing when I grew up, but then all of a sudden when I became a parent, everyone is doing this. Is it a new thing or were my parents just negligent when I was a kid?
Jim: I don't remember doing it. I think it's a new thing.
Dave: Right. This is a new thing.
Jim: Yes. [laughs] I can imagine my parents pulling up to the curb kicking us out.
Dave: Right. Get out.
Jim: See you. Summer's over.
Dave: Right. We've been stuck with you all for the last three months. Get out of here now. It's time to go off and do your thing. Yes, I absolutely agree. With the kids going back, have you had this year or in, I guess, past years any challenges with that readjustment to going back to school?
Jim: This year and maybe last year, a little bit, but certainly this year, the transition is much more abrupt. I think that when they had been in a day care program and then they went to school, we didn't have to be at the day care at any certain time. We tried to get there between 8:00 or 8:30 but if we had to, we could call in, "We're not going to get there until 9:30." It's not a big deal, but at least they had some structure and some rhythm and then now just roll right into the school year.
This year like I said, we didn't have them in camps and last two or three weeks of Summer were pretty unstructured. We got super lax with bedtime several like ten o'clock nights. It wasn't a big deal. They could sleep till 9:30. That's fine, but it's just [unintelligible 00:08:21] you've got to get them in a rhythm before school starts. My wife and I had the idea like a week before we're going to start getting up at seven o'clock. That didn't work.
I think we did manage some earlier bedtimes in the last two or three days before school started. It wasn't so rough the first day because they were all jacked up with excitement and anxiety and all that. They were up and ready to go. The first day and even the second day but by the third day, it was catching up to them.
Dave: It was back to a normal routine.
Jim: Yes. The transition from unstructured late time to more structured and having to get up was a little bit more abrupt this year. In the past, other than the usual first-year jitters, starting up for school we've been great. This year, we had some additional stuff just because the older one was starting a new school.
Dave: I'm curious how my son is going to adjust this year. He's been in day care since he was six months old. Always structured, actually. Even our day cares have been fairly structured in terms of how the day progresses. This has been his first Summer where he's had two and a half months off to do whatever he wants. I do find that when it comes to the structure that we are trying to bring, "Hey it's dinner time." He's always like, "I want to play Lego." "You've been playing Lego literally for the last five hours. It's dinner time now." I'm curious if he going to struggle with going back to, again, that structured environment.
We've had, I guess, some challenges when the kids were younger in just the standard re-adjusting to the school year. When we started in pre-K3 with our daughter, she'd gone from a day care to a new school, she actually made the transition very, very well. The other kids that had graduated with her from the day care, they all struggled for the first couple of months, but our daughter adjusted very, very well.
Then out of nowhere, in October, she just started freaking out not wanting to go to school, which was an interesting thing. We talked to the teachers and we worked some stuff out. It last for a few weeks, and then as quickly as it'd come up, it went away. The same thing for our son. When he started in pre-K4, he went through a rough patch. At the beginning, he was pretty excited to go to his sister's school. Then maybe a couple of weeks in, he just started to become pretty reticent about going in the mornings. It was just pulling teeth to get him to change clothes and eat breakfast and try to get him out the door.
The interesting thing was that when we dropped him off, everything was fine. He mellowed out in the car, and I guess maybe he just accepted that he was going to school. It was such a dramatic change that when we talked to the teacher, she said, "We haven't seen any indications at all." She's like, "I'm frankly shocked that this is what's happening in the morning, because the minute we see him in the morning, he's happy and he participates and there's no sign at all that he doesn't want to be there." We talked to her about some of the things that we can do.
She suggested that we draw up a calendar and then just buy some cheap stickers, and then every morning, we create a routine where he could pick a sticker and put it down on that calendar day. She felt that that would give him some sense of control, a little bit more control over just the morning routine. That seemed to actually work. We probably did that for a couple of months, and then we didn't have to do it anymore. That one lasted a little bit longer. That one probably did last about a month or two. It was just every morning, it was a struggle to get him out.
That strategy with the stickers did, I think, at least bring down the temperature a little bit, that he wasn't quite as reticent and he was complaining less with that piece in place. That was a nice thing, and certainly, going to the teacher was a great way to just get some ideas. Because I'd done some research and just a few other things, but that idea, I think made most sense for them.
Jim: It's funny how those simple programs can make such a big deal. Just the sticker thing, and how psychologically that smooths everything out.
Dave: Yes, and certainly at that age, right? That's a lot of what they're trying to do is exert control or [crosstalk] themselves and their bodies and their environments. Just little things that give them that sense are helpful beyond what you might expect.
Jim: We had a new deal this year. As I mentioned earlier, we moved to a new community, and I was worried about the kids starting a new school. The younger one, not so much. She's starting kindergarten. I mentioned that day care. The day care also functioned as a school pod early on in COVID. What had happened is some of the other schools opened up, those kids left the pod and went back to school, and there were some younger kids that their family moved away.
For the last, I guess, week or so, it was just our two daughters that were going to the day care, and a big part of our sending them to day care was the social interaction and get them to hang out with some other people. We worked with that lady. We stopped going there, and we sent the younger one to another day care and, or another pre-school, I guess. Rather than go to somebody's house and this lady that she knew since she was very young, she was going to a real pre-school. We went to this, we had pick-up and drop-off and she had the backpack. It was a program that put a lot of responsibility on the kids, and she didn't have a problem at all.
She was maybe a little bit tired or [unintelligible 00:14:26] the first day but she walked right in and never had a problem. She transitioned great. Just the starting kindergarten is a fresh start, and then seeing her transition just into the-- She was I think only there for about six weeks. Seeing her transition in the new school, not a problem.
The older one though, trying to slide into a new school in third grade, I was worried about that. It's not something that I ever had to do. My sister did and we talked a little bit about it. She doesn't really remember. She feels like she assimilated pretty well, but we had the added advantage of having the school year remote, so all the kids were remote last year. I felt like it was probably less social than it would be so that she could join the group. Nobody had seen each other outside of the school for-- fewer people had seen each other outside of school for a whole year. She could join up, but it still caused me a lot of anxiety. I wanted to make sure that she had a smooth transition.
What my wife did, is she joined some Facebook groups centered around the school and centered around the community. There's a mother's group and some others. What she did is met other families that were either moving to the area and starting at the school in the Fall, or some existing families, and we set up some playdates, so at least they could meet a couple of kids and know some familiar faces when they first started school. We also spent a lot of time at the school campus. We would go to the playground over the Summer and let them play in the structure and just get used to the environment.
I think that was helpful transition too. The first day, they know where they're going, they know what the school looks like, they know a couple of kids in their class or at least in their grade, and could feel more-- it wouldn't be as abrupt and I think that transition was really helpful. One of the neighbors, they are twins. They're fifth graders that go to the same school, and it was very sweet of them. They came over and they offered to take the girls up for a tour. They didn't really show us anything that we couldn't see just from walking around the campus, but it was a nice gesture to giving us more orientation. Again, now they know a couple of fifth graders and the other kids that live across the street.
Then, we made a big deal about it, about how brave they were, and how proud of them we were, really, particularly the older one, just making it very clear that this is not easy, to start a new school. I think she did a really good job. First day of school, we took them out for ice cream afterwards as a celebration, and then that Friday-- we used to this, Friday, take out a movie night and that was it. That was the only thing we did that weekend because we just wanted to give them a break.
That was it. It's a lot of new information, a lot of new relationships and so we just let them take it easy for the weekend. So far, it's been a success. We're into the second week. The kindergartener's just doing great. The third grader, she's doing really well. She's doing really well. I hesitate just because there's more social dynamics and getting to know not only the classmates, but the other, I think there are two or three classes in the grade. Sunday night, she was saying she couldn't wait to go to school on Monday, so I'm chalking that up to a success.
Dave: Yes, that's a win for sure. I like the play dates in advance of going to school. Typically, when I get the class list and see who's in my daughter's class, I usually see-- This year it's a little bit different because she's in third grade, so we have less new kids, fewer new kids coming in this year. Almost every year since Pre-K4, I would reach out to new parents and just say, "Hey, if you want to have a play date, we're around. Might be great for you to meet at least one other kid." Almost every year, we've had at least one person take us up on it. I think it's nice for both kids.
I remember particular, I think it was kindergarten, the girl we invited, we had actually had enough time to see her maybe three times, two or three times before school started, so that by the time they went into school, they're like, "We're best friends". The teachers were like, "They're inseparable" and it was the first day in school. I think the teachers were surprised that this new girl already had a best friend, and it was because we had had these playdates in advance.
I think it's a smoother transition, that at least you've got one friend, and usually, hopefully, that friend will also be looking out for you and will invite you to play with the established friend groups. It's just a nice, smooth way to integrate yourself into a new environment. I've been a little lax this year, just simply because there's just been so much going on, and we'll get into that in a second here. I'm actually planning to probably reach out for my son in particular, because his class is going to be so much larger, and there is going to be a lot of new kids.
Probably start reaching out to parents, even though school is going to start in a couple days, but at least reaching out to them. Also, I think for him, he's going from a very small group, and so the majority of kids in his class, he won't know because most of it was all done with pods and everything. Even if the kid was in school last year, the same grade, it's very likely he doesn't even know that that child existed because of the way the pods worked out.
They were so highly choreographed that ideally there was no overlap as they were moving from place to place. I think it would be good for him to just have some play time, even if it's like, "Hey, this kid is in your school" and they go off and do the parallel play where they're not really engaging with one another. There's at least familiarity in the face and in the name, because even though he's been at the school for a year, I think there's so many changes that he might feel like he's a new kid.
Most people are not going know anybody. I think the numbers suggest that they'll know at most five kids out of a class of like 20. Almost every kid will be on equal footing as they head into kindergarten [unintelligible 00:20:35] here.
I guess I alluded a little bit to the fact this school year, there's just so much going on, and I would say that I have got some anxiety coming in and I'm just wondering if you have any concerns about going into this school year, whether they're COVID related or not COVID related, but just how are you feeling headed into this year?
Jim: There are some COVID concerns and the school's protocol is masked up, except for when they're eating, all school day, which is great. Parents wear masks with pick-up and drop-off, which is great. They've invested in some new ventilation system. That's supposed to be helpful. A lot of outdoor play and open doors. All of that feels great, except I still ended up catching some kind of rhinovirus, some kind of cold, and it always concerns me when that happens because if I'm using the sanitizer and the mask and all that, and I still end up catching a cold, it means that whatever I'm doing is maybe not that effective.
Anyhow, that gave me some concern, but until there's cases or an outbreak or whatever, I'm just going to assume that that's pretty well managed. This is a new school, new community. There's a whole lot of new things to learn. The school where our daughters went together, there was a lot to attend to and feel very similar here. We got undated with emails, we got two different classes, two different teachers, two sets of rules that pick-up and drop-off and all that. It felt like I was just riding the white water for a while. Just trying to do the next thing. I think we're going to get through it.
Now that we've been doing it for two weeks, I feel like we've settled into a routine, but particularly the week before or two weeks before, there's a lot of meetings, a lot of emails, trying to figure out what we're going to do with with aftercare. Frankly, I had some anxiety about starting school. There's a new parent group. I want make relationships with other parents that can then facilitate relationships with my daughters or I also want to meet the kids that my daughters are having relationships with and start to get to know the parents. Not that that's really a big deal, but it's a new social community for me as well.
My concern's primarily around the third grader starting a new school and trying to fit in with that group. That just means that I've got to be more patient, be much more attentive to the unspoken or the non-verbal cues that I'm getting. We've had a couple afternoons where we had some behavioral problems, not problems, but some difficult behavior, stubborn behavior that I just-- Frankly, it wasn't hard to find the patience for, because she's going through a lot during the day. She's acting out a little bit in the afternoon. I could be much more patient and try to react with love and kindness and help her feel more secure in that way.
Other than that, it's just the usual. We had to get the school supplies and a long list of things. Sometimes Amazon didn't deliver on time. Do we have to go to Target and so on and so forth. Again, two weeks into it, I feel like we're through that rough road. Well, you're into it right now. You're in that time right now.
Dave: Yes.
Jim: Because your school's starting pretty soon. I'm feeling much more relaxed, but in reflecting on that, it was a lot to get up to speed.
Dave: Yes. I hope that I can be over this in a couple weeks. [laugh] I would say that as I was just thinking about the fact that school's starting up here, I just had this moment today where I'm like, I am completely overwhelmed by everything that's happening, whether that's COVID or anything, and then plus the school stuff. I'm starting to realize that I am anxious about the return to school.
I think that really what it is, is it's this return to as much as a pre-pandemic normalcy that there has been so far, at least for me, because even prior to Delta, the kids weren't vaccinated yet. Even once I had my vaccine, I wasn't like, "Yes, we're free. Let's go travel." Because that's what we're all really trying to do. There was still this sense of, "Okay, we're not quite there yet." There were still things that let you know that COVID is still around and then of course, Delta hits, but really, I think what it comes down to is just the switch has just-- It is a light switch, we've gone from COVID and sheltering and all, to bam, the light switch is on and now we're worried about after school activities.
The last time the kids were in school, my schedule was a lot more flexible and so I could pick kids up in the middle of the day and in years prior, I could volunteer in the classroom and take half a day off and go on the field trips and take pictures of all the kids. These are the things that I enjoy doing. While it looks like we'll be able to do those again, because of the protocols and everything, will my my work schedule be able to allow me to do the kinds of things that I've enjoyed doing with the kids so far?
We were talking about this earlier, right? Yes, there is aftercare that's back again but they haven't even gone to aftercare yet and I already feel guilty about thinking that they have to go aftercare. I know that at least the younger kids, whenever you pick them up, they're always like, "Oh, can I stay longer? Can I stay longer?" For all I know, he's going to want to stay until six o'clock when aftercare is closed, as long as he's got friends there. There's this piece in me that feels guilty about just thinking that, all right, class is done at whatever 3:15, and he's going to be at school until five o'clock until somebody can pick him up.
We're still trying to figure out the schedules, but my daughter has gone from a couple virtual after school activities to she's going back to being scheduled five days a week and that's stressful. Now that our son is older, he's going to have two activities himself, Fridays and Saturdays. All of these things are compounding. As you point out to all of the communications that come in between the after school programs and then the school form, sign up for this, here's your teacher. I was just talking to another parent yesterday and I said-- We're starting school next week. We're recording on Thursday here. School starts in like, what? Four or five days.
I'm like, "Do you actually know what time school begins and ends? Because I don't. I literally don't know." She said, "No, I don't know. They're supposed to send out an email today." We got an email, I think one week before school started about pick-up and drop-off. That's probably okay for some people, but I am a planner. The minute the after school program comes out, I throw it into the calendar for the entire year. I'm one of those planner people. I know roughly school is going to be between 8:00 and 8:30, but not knowing exactly when it's going to start, just stresses me out.
I think there's that level of stuff and then on top of it, as we are, again, reintegrating to the world, we're going to have some friends over on Saturday, which is absolutely stressing me out. It's mostly as we've talked about, I've realized fairly late in life that I am an introvert that really like some alone time. Certainly because the kids have been at home all this time during Summer, there's very little time.
One thing that I've recently noticed and it's surprised me that throughout all of these podcasts that we've had and in particular, there's a podcast that we have about our greatest challenges as dads, and for me, that's always finding free time. The thing that I've just noticed after a number of years is that also part of that free time is that at least for me, I can be doing something and the kids will constantly be talking to you as you're trying to work.
I never really realized that until like, I just need to get this thing done or they will see me on a video call and they'll be talking to me and I have earphones on, and I'm pointing to the earphones, I'm like, "Yes, I'm on this call." Not only am I on the call, but in sometimes I'm running the call and they just don't get it. All of these things are, I think, piling up to a point where it just feels very overwhelming to go back to school.
I suppose one of the advantages is that they will be back at school and that work will be work so that I will have now some time between whatever 8:30 and whenever I pick them up, that will just be time to concentrate on work or on other things. That probably will help, but I have a lot of anxiety about this return and certainly there's the Delta stuff that's going on too. I think for me, I am worried about it.
Although we do live in a place where the case counts are pretty low, things are still under control so far, so that feels good, but as all of this kids go back to school, we'll have to see how that starts to work out. Because where I am, school for most people, starts next week, so we'll really get a sense of the protocols for schools and how it's working and community spreads and all that, how it spreads within the community and all those things. Yes, there's just so much going on and there's always the standard beginning of the year stress, but this is certainly, times three, times four, times five for a lot of people.
I think it's probably rare, the parent that is not stressed, if you're not stressed, good for you. I would love to be in your position. It sounds like hopefully, that in a couple weeks I might be there, and so maybe it's just the function of getting through this first hump-- Getting through that first couple of days where we get back into a rhythm. Oh, yes, I remember this is how it used to be, and that we'll all settle it. Like I said, I am curious to see how the kids are going to react once they're back in school.
So far, they seem to be excited, but I'll know the first day I wake them up if they are actually excited or not having the new octonauts lunchbox, I think our son certainly can't wait to get back to school and show that thing off, but we'll see, so probably until we get through that first week, like you have been, I think that's probably when I can start letting my guard down.
Jim: Yes, I'll encourage you, being on the other side of first day at school in the first couple of weeks, the big thing about parenting is kids love structure and so do I. [laughs] Having the rhythm and the pickup and the drop off and knowing that there's a block of time during the day when I can do the things that I need to do, take care of my work, make my phone calls, et cetera. Because otherwise, like you, particularly early on in, maybe about two years ago when my daughters were a little bit younger, spending all day with them was exhausting because I couldn't even put two thoughts together.
It was always, "Hey, Dad, look at this." "Can you open my juice box" or whatever it is. Just takes 100% attention all day long. To have that to know that they're occupied and with their peers and have a structured environment that's stimulating to them, I think that's good for everybody. We've got the aftercare program too, and I remember when the younger one was in the pre-K, I remember, when I dropped her off, I would feel guilty and think she's going to spend eight days-- Excuse me, I'd feel guilty because she was going to spend eight hours with strangers. They weren't strangers, but they weren't family.
I remember thinking like, How come? It just felt weird that I was sending my kids somewhere else, but now that they're a little bit older, I'm really excited about the aftercare program because it is those things. It's structured activities, they get to be with their friends, because they get to spend time with me all afternoon and I've run out of ways to entertain them and so I'm glad that they're going to be in a program that's more more structured.
What I'm doing is I'm going to split the difference and they're going to go to aftercare for a while, and I think I'll pick them up at four o'clock, so maybe there'll be an aftercare for an hour, and then we get home and have an hour in the afternoon to stay together as a family.
Dave: Yes, I think this is one of those unnecessary stresses that we put on ourselves, because I can't imagine anyone grows up saying, "You know what, my life is screwed up because I went to aftercare." No one's saying that, and so we just put these these points of stress on ourselves that are not necessarily couched in any legitimate evidence that it's bad for the kids. It's just our own guilt.
Jim: Some of my fondest memories from childhood are in aftercare.
Dave: Right, because it is unstructured play time with your friends.
Jim: Right.
Dave: Also, depending on the aftercare programs too, its unstructured play time with kids that are older or younger than your child, so I think is good for them to have as experience, to get to know kids. Also, as they're just growing up, it's good to have older kids, especially for I think the older child, to have an older friend that they're friends with that they will do well with.
I remember when my daughter was in day care, there was an older sibling, and whenever she stopped by-- my daughter was like three. Whenever this older girl, this five year old came in, she was like the coolest kid ever. We kept the relationship with the family and she's still is that older sister figure to my daughter who is the oldest child in this family.
I think that dynamic is nice to have some older friends because her cousin-- Also her cousin is significantly older than her, so it's not quite the same relationship and also we don't see him very often because he lives abroad. I think having those opportunities to make friends with older kids or even younger kids too sometimes, is good for them anyway. I think we look at the aftercare, on a more logical basis, we hopefully would not stress as much. That being said, I am still stressed about it, but maybe in a week, I'll be like, this is the greatest thing ever. Let's push it till closing time. We'll just pick them up at six o'clock.
For those of you that are experiencing some anxiety, like I am, we did find some research about how to cope with it, and here are a few things that we found from Stanford Health. First of all let's look at what your child might be experiencing, and some of the signs that they are experiencing anxiety.
With the youngest kids in particular, they're a little bit more obvious, right? There are tearful mornings, don't want to go to school crying, and those kinds of things, clingy behavior at drop off, we certainly had a little bit of that when the kids were in lower school, or pre-K, pre-K4. One thing I hadn't thought about was milestone regression, like body training, they, all of a sudden, are having accidents and things like that. Those are signs of potential anxiety in the youngest ones.
For the older kids, like our oldest ones, we're looking at things more like oppositional behavior, and then physical ailments like stomach aches or headaches. If you notice any of those things, according to Stanford Health, some of the things to start doing will be to just start talking about the back to school and the process, particularly listening to your child, really paying attention to them, even if their concerns are insane, because these are kids, so sometimes their concerns are not couched in any logic, but take the time to listen to them, and let them know that you are listening to them.
Maybe talk about the fun parts of going back to school that you get to see your friends again, you're going to get to play with them, those kinds of things. One of the other things they said was just like you guys did, is walk to school, drive by the school and start setting up that behavior where they're getting used to that environment again. Other activities they suggest are, practicing just that saying goodbye and leaving the house, and then getting back into the school year routine, which as we know, and as we've said is easier said than done, because there's always something that you planned for, but I think rarely ever gets executed. Sounds like a good plan, it can be difficult to make that transition.
That being said, if your child is still anxious, again, you do want to reinforce the fact that you are listening to them regardless of how logical their concerns may or may not be, and then work with them to try and find a plan to address the issue. In some cases, you, as the parent, might not be the response. It could be, "Hey, you know what, let's see if maybe your best friend-- If you guys can walk to school together, I'll drop you off at their house, and you guys can walk to school together or maybe carpool." It might not always be that you, as the parent, are the solution. There might be other people that you would want to get involved in figuring out what the plan of action is.
Then don't forget to ask for help from their teacher. Certainly, that was something that I've done in the past with my son when he was having some struggles. Look, their teachers know this happens every year. This year, again, is obviously a little bit different than normal, but every year, the transition back to school, and in those transition grades in particular, like the kindergartens, the first grades and the new schools, teachers are used to that and they have coping mechanisms. It's not their first rodeo. Rely on the things that that they have done, that have worked for the kids.
Lastly, certainly for the adults, and this is the piece that I need to think about is to remember that we are the biggest model for the kids, and if they see us anxious, that's going to raise their anxiety, which is going to raise our anxiety, which is now turning us all on this vicious cycle. They're going to take their cues from you, and that doesn't mean that if you're anxious, it doesn't mean that you have to hide those feelings. You absolutely can discuss that, but just be mindful about how those emotions spill out.
Anxiousness can certainly manifest in being short tempered or just be more argumentative, those kinds of things and just be conscious of if you are noticing that you have a bit of a shorter fuse, it might be anxiety. Actually, just this evening, I noticed that I was getting a little bit annoyed at the kids and so I actually ate the first half of my meal in a different room, because I'm like, "I'm going to snap". That just gave me 5 or 10 minutes to have a little bit of my meal, then I went back, and everything was fine.
Take whatever time that you need to process that. Don't forget the self-care in all of this, because if you are anxious, that's not going to help anybody else. As you think about those self-care activities, think about the activities that you can do to help mitigate that anxiety.
Take the alone time if you need it. If you need to go for a walk, go for a walk. If it helps to take your child on the walk for their anxiety too, certainly bring the child around the block for a walk or even do it every hour if you need to.
One of the ways I blow off some steam is I actually have an under-desk bike, and I use that for every meeting. I get maybe two, two and a half hours in sometimes on the bike, and that just makes me feel better. Really, don't forget that self-care because if you can't take care of yourself and your own anxiety, it's going to be really, really hard to take care of your child. Don't forget that you need to think about yourself as well.
[music]
We hope you found today's episode informative. If you'd like to support the podcast and hear more discussions around fatherhood, please subscribe and drop us a review. If you have any questions, hit us up on the Facebook page facebook.com/papaestfatigue. Thanks for listening.
[music]
[00:41:48] [END OF AUDIO]